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Who is The Lord?

June 18, 2020 / Church Night

Ok, this is a question I get all the time from the kids I teach in Sunday school. They have a hard time grasping who the Lord is because they can’t see him, he doesn’t talk, and he doesn’t have a Tik Tok. If the Lord had a Tik Tok, he would probably have hundreds of followers! But the Lord is not on social media because he’s really old and old people have a hard time using technology, let alone the hard ones like Tik Tok.

So how do you explain who the Lord is without the ease of texting a link to his social media page? You can start with a Google image search for the Lord as I have done here. That is a good place to begin so that you can quickly get a visual of what he definitely looks like: a cis white guy with facial hair demanding a hug.

Now, from those pictures we know he’s handsy, but that doesn’t really explain the full picture of who he REALLY is. I’ve created a quick breakdown to help us understand the answer to this super simple question that is, quite frankly, unbelievable that I even have to answer:

He is everyone’s daddy.
I’m not going to get into daddy issues here. We all have them. Some more than others, but basically the Lord is everyone’s daddy. It’s like that one doctor who used his sperm to inseminate hundreds of ladies without their consent at his fertility clinic. That guy has a LOT of kids who he has never met in person. Crazy. The Lord is like that but less illegal and more theoretical. The Lord doesn’t make sperm and isn’t a fertility doctor. Honestly I’m not totally sure how it works, but just know, he is your daddy.
He invented planet earth and humans
You know how I invented putting hot dog coins on a tortilla chip and call them Dogchos? Well, the Lord did the same sort of thing when he invented Earth and people. He was kind of bored (and probably high) one day and was just like “what if I made something called ‘existence’ and, like, create little tiny inferior versions of myself and give them a bunch of random rules to follow? If they fail, I will make them suffer after they die. Die? That’s a great idea, I’m going to make existence finite.” I’m pretty darn sure that’s how it went down for the Lord. I’m not 100% on if he made the other planets or the Universe because there isn’t anything about that in the bible, but he definitely made planet earth and humans and that’s all I really care about anyway.

4. He is someone you can talk to anytime

A lot of people go to therapists these days, but I don’t understand why. If you want to just blab on about your problems, why not just save some cash and do it for free with the Lord? Basically, you can call him anytime for any reason. He doesn’t talk back, but what good therapist does? Save your hard earned cash for self-medication and just let it all out to the Lord.

5. He lives in Heaven

Now, we at Church Night know heaven to be a galaxy far away, made of wi-fi. Not everyone agrees with that, but we have proof that is where heaven physically is. I’m not gonna say how we got the proof because it may or may not be legal, but believe us - our sources are legit. The Lord lives in heaven and has an intricate monitoring system to keep track of every person’s movements, thoughts, prayers, sexual preferences, etc. Think Amazon levels of mass-surveillance with a touch of Black Mirror. That’s where we go when we die! How lovely!

6. He’s a dom

Listen, you don’t make a bunch of rules with intense punishments for breaking said rules if you’re a sub. The Lord is hands down the dom-iest dom that ever dommed. Either that, or he has a huge ego problem, but we know the Lord is perfect, so he’s just a big ‘ol dom. Anyone who judges the Lord about this is, quite simply, kink shaming the Lord and that is NOT COOL. We don’t kink shame at Church Night.

Those are the five simple explanations you can give your kids or whoever wants to know more about who the Lord is. I’m going to go microwave a hotdog and get ready for a little fiesta at my place tonight! Thanks for tuning in and check back soon for another update on how you can stay devoted to faith.

Blessings and light,

Kath

Did I get it right about the Lord? Let me know if you think I missed anything in the comments!

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categories / comedy, satire
tags / Kink, comedy, satire, Church Night, Atheism

Welcome to the Devoted to Faith blog!

June 16, 2020 / Church Night

Blessings and Light world! Welcome to my new blog, Devoted to Faith (dtf if you nasty). This is a blog for people who are POd about the amount of BS that is out there on the www. How is the modern person of faith supposed to know good from bad, right from wrong, real chicken from vegan chkn? With all the “information” out there, it is now harder to navigate spiritual waters than trying to navigate actual waters. I don’t understand watercraft at all. Never have, never will. Don’t want to. Won’t. No thank you. Boats are unnatural and should be banned from #1 cartoons and #2 use. Did you see Titanic? Don’t get me started on boats. Now I’m all riled up.

boats are evil and I hate them. no boats

What I’m trying to say is that no matter how confused you may be, DTF is here to speak spiritual TRUTH at all times at all costs as long as it doesn’t cost me money.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m Kathy Piechota, pronounced just like it’s spelled - CA-theeee Pee-AUGHT-uh. I am the youth minister, musical director, social media operations manager, digital marketing social media strategist, layperson, organist, COO, CEO, OOO, chauffeur, deacon, and co-founder of Church Night which is a church (you know cuz it says church in our name). Basically I know everything there is to know about religion, spirituality, and faith so I’m qualified to write this blog. If you question me, I will absolutely come for you. In the middle of the night. When you least expect it. So don’t even think about trying to debate me on anything I say because what I say is the truth whether you like it or not. #sorrynotsorry #boatsareevil

Just me, Kathy. Photo Credit: Sam Dingley

Why are you here? Let me know in the comments!

If you’re reading this blog, chances are you are struggling with your faith or perhaps you are simply looking for resources to share with atheists to prove you are better than them and know way more about theology and stuff than they do. Well let me tell you this: I feel your pain. I have been there. One time I was in an argument with an atheist and my phone was dead so I couldn’t even show them this one meme I vaguely remembered that would have totally crushed their argument. Ever since that day I have armed myself with information (and a small firearm) so that next time someone wants to argue religion, I am always prepared with quotes and mental memes to absolutely dominate my opponents (the gun also helps).

I am here to give you the same gifts that helped me in my spiritual journey. No, you can’t have my cute little gun, but you CAN have my artillery of knowledge so that you, too, may protect yourself from evil mind invaders sent by the devil with “facts” and “logic” intent on dismantling your belief in the Lord.

What you can expect from this blog:

TRUTH, duh
1. It may sound like all of this is opinion, but I have credentials and life experience so you can trust what I say as 100% correct.
TOOLS
1. I will arm you with prayers, quotes, sayings, memes, essays, lists, and pictures of me. These tools will allow you to grow your faith and keep you connected to The Lord. You should also get a gun. See above.
LINKS
1. I will provide links
HEY SIRI WHAT IS THE TEMPERATURE IN TAMPA, FLORIDA
1. Tampa siri you idiot siri i don’t wanna get out of bed tell me the temp in tampa oh crap that cornish hen is a museum parked on the tomato who is mark wal-mart?

Well that’s it for today’s blog post. I’m sick of writing and ready to open up this nice bottle of tequila I got from the corner store for a discount because it had been previously opened. Thanks for tuning in and check back soon for another update on how you can stay devoted to faith.

Church Night